Saturday, February 18, 2006

Recipes for Disaster

Actually, not "Disaster" so much- if it were, it'd be "Disaster-lite" (serves 0.5, small on scale) so much as "Mishap, party of one". You see, I have a pretty keen sense for blundering into the most excruciating social situations, just out of the blue.
Like - The Time I Almost Got Run Over. While walking across the street, between the painted lines like a good Boy Scout, with a green light. There was (surprisingly) no alcohol inbibing on my part whatsoever. Just me, a girlfriend, an empty, ghost-town like silence, and.... "SCRREEEEEEEEEEEE!" We scrambled out of the way, avoiding getting steamrolled by about thismuch. As I turned my head in stunned/outraged disbelief at the jackhole who'd practically run US OVER, he slooowwwwed doooowwwnnnn. Apparently (not sure, really) my hand caught in his open window (yes, I was thatclose) and he than SPED UP. Causing my body to do a "Complete flippin' FLIP, head over HEELS!" and depositing me unharmed back on the asphalt a milisecond later. I was so stunned that I just sat there, starting to laugh. My friend was certain that there were sirens, police, and Lots of Explaining to an angry and intractable S. in her near future. See? Just walking across the street, I managed to inflict psycological damage to a Friend - just think what happens with strangers.

Of course, this is the same person who once had the following conversation in a resturant:
(Please note, circa 1992 or so)

(Friend With Loud Voice) "Hey, Dad, I just heard about this AMAZING new surgery where they fix your eyesight with a LASER!"

(Phlegmatic, straight faced dad): "Oh, really?" I'm sure at this point he made an internal eye-rolling face, and kept munching the burger with salad he got with a coupon. The coupon isn't important, but know that one was definitely used, either in"two-for-one" or "kids under 12 eat free with adult meal purchase" form. Not at all relevant to this narrative, my apologies.

"Yeah! Apparently they make a series of laser cuts in your rectum, and it makes the muscles in your eyes tighten up (actually, that might be true. Heh.) and fixes your vision! Wow!"

(Dad, still totally stone-faced): "Ummmm... I think you mean they make a series of incisions into your 'Retina', actually."

(F.W.L.V.) "No, no, they said RECTUM! I'm SURE of it!"

(Dad, small, small smile, dry tone) "Would you care to explain how that works? After dessert, preferably?"

Or the time that I had Vermeer on the brain (

  • this Vermeer, yes

  • Not just because I read Girl With a Pearl Earring, promise. Unfortunately, this happened to be in a high-end art gallery (seriously high-end: Read: Buy a couple of houses in Santa Barbara and MORE high-end, not "luxury car" high-end) and asked if they 'had any Vermeers?". Note to self: Do not half-finish sentences of some relevance to people who may or may not own and wear ascots. The reason why: Because they will look at you as if YOU are a complete and total As...cot.

    How to Embarass Yourself for the Better Portion of the Evening:

    Accidentally, ummm.. poot, aloud within earshot of not one, but TWO Italian guys* and your husband**. Outside.
    *Who could only be described in ringing adjectives like "Multo benne!" and "Con piacere!" and "Ohh la-la!" Sorry, not Italina at all, but... Aforementioned people are conversing at elevated volumes with each other and a third party, in beautiful, melliflous Italian. You will never, ever see again in your life.
    **Shouldn't that be in reverse order? Actually, I think not, because anyone who has held your hair back for, ahem, hygenic reasons... not totally appalled by a stray toot.

    Great, now everyone who reads this thinks I'm a drooling, farting, barfing slob who doesn't know that "Con piacere!" (with pleasure) isn't a ringing adjective at all, but more of a dinging note of assent. See what I mean?


    Updated to add: Yeah for Shani Davis - first black guy to win a speed-skating Olympic Gold medal at the Winter Games. Ever!

    Hmmmm.....Maybe now would be time to STOP BEING SUCH AN AS...COT - the guy was a complete and total tool to the interviewer, who (to her credit) rather tartly asked him, "Are you ANGRY, Shani?" with this ultra-evil, extra vinegar tone. His extra-obvious response was,
    "No." (long pause in which the soft hearts of a million children break. Mean face) "I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm happy." This last was delivered with all the heart and inflection of Paris Hilton after slugging a gallon of Ny-Quill.

    You can train a kid to be a sportsman, but that surely doesn't make him a Good Sport. Geeeez!

    Stepping back onto Curmudgeon Corner now.

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