Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Not Near, but Dear

Phone call from today:

Maya: "Hello, papa!"
Dad: "Hello (absurd nickname that I cannot divulge, for fear of being mocked by The Internet forever)!....How's your toilet doing?" (Genial chuckle turns into whoop of mirth at my plumbing woes)
Maya: "Great....the carpet finally dried out, so we finally got to turn off the fans." (Frantically trying to think of any entries that might disturb Parental Units, immediately deciding it would be far to much work and that they probably won't drive out from Colorado to yell at me.the -)
Dad: "Well, I was calling because I'm looking at your blog with high-speed internet. What's the deal with all those different sites coming up when I click on the words in your entry?
Maya: (smothering laughter) "Those...are...called...links. When I put them into the text, it is usually because I'm referencing something else. See how when you click on "plumbers" it pulls up a picture of the ...plumber from Desperate Housewives?" (Yes, my dad watches - I can hardly blame him, c'mon ... can you say the words Eva Longoria?)
Dad: "OhhhhhHHH....I was wondering what a hollow squirrel was, and I could tell it wasn't your writing. (Boring chat about how to download Firefox, because yea verily it is better than Internet Explorer ensue here.) We can't wait to read all your archives...and guess what?
Maya: (renewing vow to edit all old posts) "What's that, dad?"
Dad: "We're getting a new computer." (Please note the last (first!) computer they ever purchased was bought in 2000 and has been confusing the hell out of them ever since.)

Sweet cracker sandwich! To top all that wild excitement off, I have my mothers' promise that we will sit down* on the phone for a little Internet 101 tomorrow. I tell you, wonders never cease- next thing you know they'll be getting indoor plumbing out there in Colorado. Everyone be nice and say hi to my parents now, ok? And no more gratuitous cursing in the comments, huh?

*My mother, for whom sitting down is an act of extreme difficulty. My youngest sister once asked her, "Mommy, you sleep?" in sheer astonishment. My sister was about five at the time, which meant my mother had already been a parent for about eleven or twelve years, without a nap. I don't think I've gone eleven or twelve weeks sans nap.

Remember:


Also - Know what's better than a Reeses? If you take a bittersweet chocolate truffle and daub a little peanut butter on it. Sort of reverse, gourmet Reeses' lump.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Fingerholds

Scene: Semi-Uncomfortable Family Dinner, circa 1995

The Players: Dad, Mom, Dad's parents- Seated at 'adults table'. Three grand-girls, aged fifteen, ten and eight(ish) seated at bar that faces the adults' table, partially shielded by wall of indoor foliage. All three girls would be perfectly capable of sitting at said table, but are sequestered at bar for strategic fetch and carry purposes.

The Background: My family is nothing, if not dramatic. My mother likes to blame this on our Norwegian blood, but her, ahem, emphatic gesturing and ability to "discuss" things until throwing yourself from the nearest window/moving vehicle/bridge/tall building sounds like a good option was surely not a gift bestowed upon her by Loki after her conception of me and marriage to my dad. Actually, with regard to the emphatic gesturing: She once threw herself on the floor and rolled around on the carpet to emphasize her point. In front of people who we knew only slightly, via their daughters' marriage to a friend of ours. Scott was there, he can totally vouch for me on this one and was at least as mortified as I was. Thank the heavens they were as cool as their daughter. No, there isn't any more to this story. Seriously. I think we went eight shades of red and tugged her to her feet.

Back to my story, though - or any rate my preface to this story, lest I seem insensitive to a few touchy issues - Please note the following:
-Two of the principal players of this story have passed away, and are much missed - but not held as saintly, perfect creatures, just flawed, loveable people.
-No, I don't think alcoholism is a funny disease, in and of itself.
-My sisters and I have been re-enacting this story since it the week it happened. Every time, it makes my mother laugh so hard she gasps for oxygen like a freshly-landed bass and wipes tears out of her eyes, if she doesn't actually end up rolling around on the ground.

North-eastern Oregon, just after dusk, summertime. The six of us sat at stiff-spined attention, carefully using our napkins, best manners, and (for the adults) tougue-biting skills. My grandmother had undoubtedly labored over the dinner all afternoon with her arthritic joints and the dogs (a German Shepard and Miniature Schnauser) underfoot. She'd also undoubtedly been drinking since she started cooking, and was fairly 'well-done' herself by the time we were ready to eat. I remember my mother trying to help her without seeming like she was intruding or taking over. This was the kitchen of the woman who had in all likelihood, introduced fresh-frozen Maine lobster and the salad bar to rural Montana in the 1950's. We three girls tread carefully, setting the table and bar as quickly and quietly as possible, while trying our best not to notice when she stumbled, blaming the sleeping dog three feet away. "CheyANNe! You big galut!"

Finally we sat down, prayed, and started the age-old ritual of, "Can you please pass the...thanks.....oh! and the....yeah - MMmmmmMMMM that is goood!" with a few stilted attempts at conversation. I don't remember what we were eating, but I do remember that it tasted good - and that even if it hadn't, we would have sang the chefs' praises to high heaven. I had been feeling a tad bit miffed that I was still stuck at the kids' table, but as the meal and the attempts at conversation progressed, I said another quick prayer of thanks - this time for my seating assignment. My grandma, never the most cheerful of people, had reached the morose, snappy stage of intoxication, and my parents and grandfathers' attempts at engaging her were met with monosyllables or barked answers at best. Finally they gave up, and talked amongst themselves, my grandfather laughing too heartily at something that wasn't terribly funny, my parents' voices far more solicitous than we ever heard them.

I heard the beginning of a slight titter to my right as one of my sisters started to laugh, and shot her the Older Sister "Death Ray" glare, quieting her instantly. All of the sudden my grandma snatched her paper napkin and let out a perfectly ennunciated, monster sneeze.

"AHH-AHH-CHOOO!" (followed by copious nose-blowing, gesundheits all around) "Esscuse me, I'bm sorry," she said, and folding her napkin into a new configuration. My parents looked askance, my grandfather asked for the - "AHH-AHH-CHOOO!" (followed by copious nose-blowing, same apology, re-re-folding of said napkin). I Death-Ray'd another smirk and kept eating, eyes studiously on my plate. Two seconds later:

"AHH-AHH-CHOOO!" (napkin unfolded), "ThhhhhhHHHHPPPPPBBBBB!..I'bm sorry, I cadn't helb it." (napkin folded, tucked into sleeve) My parents tried their best to cover their plates without appearing to ... cover their plates.
"Mom, why don't you.." my dad began,
"AHH-AHH-CHOOO!" (napkin unfolded, shaken out), "ThhhhhhHHHHPPPPPBBBBB!" She tried to get up, but thuD!ded back to her seat, hampered by the thick carpet and her wheeled dining room chair. My grandfather began to silently shake with laughter. I turned to the side, holding my hand out with four fingers extended and the Death Ray in my eyes. My sisters' eyes widened, they nodded, and we started the Sneeze Countdown - Four fingers out.

"AHH-AHH-CHOOO!" (napkin unfolded, shaken out, visibly dampened and slightly shredded), "ThhhhhhHHHHPPPPPBBBBB!", I'bm sorry, I cadn't helb it." (napkin wadded into a tatty ball, tucked into sleeve). Five fingers.
"Ahh, mom, fortheluvva-" my dad began again, only to be interupted by another huge, "AHH-AHH-CHOOO! - I'bm sorry, I cadn't helb it." (napkin now a sad damp idea, untucked from sleeve and re-tucked into top of blouse) My mother, her face tight with supressed laughter, pushed herself ever soo slightly away from the table. Six fingers.
"AHH-AHHHHH-CHOOOOOO!" My mother passed another paper napkin to my grandfather. "Mom, why don't you go in the -" Seven.

"AHH-AHH-CHOOO! Eight fingers. ThhhhhhHHHHPPPPPBBBBB!, Thangks, Linda - I cadn't helb - AHH-AHH-CHOOO!", Nine. My dads' face reddened with laughter, and my grandpa let out a gasp of laughter. "Thadt's nodt funny - AaaAAAH-CHOOOOOO!" Ten fingers, or sneezes, it turns out, was the precise number of times my grandmother needed to voraciously, messily sneeze before our family completely and utterly collapsed into hysterical, eye-wiping laughter.

And scene.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

For Karen, With Love...LOTS of love

Click to Enlarge all of these pictures:
In a (admittedly vodka-fueled) homage to Karen's request for Love Thursday; I give you,,,,,my family.
Exhibit A: My dad and I, at .... twelve...thousand .... PLUS feet. I'm white with the effort of trying to oxygenate my lungs.


Exhibit B: Rest of the fam, from left to right:
Uncle Steve, Aunt Deb, Bug-Eyed Sister (Pamby), Me, Pop, Mum, Roni (aka Crazy Cat Lady)
Picture by Mooshi-Mooshi.



Exhibit C: My sister (Crazy Cat Lady) and her boyfriend . And a tiny piano.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Like a Pop Tart

Well, the votes are in... and it turns out an overwhelming majority of my readers would most like to hear about:

A gory car incident....yesssss! The good old falling out of the car stories it is, you crazy kids. Ooook...where to start...ah yes, 'twas a warm day, circa 1987 or so, and the three of us were wee snippets of girls, aged seven, three and a few months past one. Our parents had stolen a rare afternoon at the beach together. No doubt they spent it, not feeding each other strawberries and champagne and whispering sweet nothings in each others' ears, but doing some kind of sport-type activity. The trio of us were entrusted to the loving and competent hands of our babysitter, Broccolli - her name is Brooke, but put it this way: Scott refers to her as Broccolli to this day. She had only been driving for a few months - our parents insisted that she wait for a while and prove that she was a safe driver. Which, for the record, she was.

Since Broccolli was the Worlds' Best Babysitter, she took us to see a re-release of Snow White and treated us to some manner of fast food, a rare treat for kids raised by recovering hippies. Now remember, this was nineteen years ago, and we had only taken a short trip, so Pamby wasn't in a carseat, she was just buckled in the back of the big Buick, across the car from me. I remember drowsing in the backseat, full of Chicken McNuggets and the songs of Snow White.

We were cruising down the 101 freeway, going over a knot of traffic and a hill. I remember hearing Brooke say, "Amy, you have to buckle back up, right now", and glaring across the car at my bratty little sister who was ruining my reverie. Luckily for all of us, Brooke pulled off the freeway and onto a frontage road with a bit of dirt running next to it. Otherwise, this would probably be a sad reminder instead of a cautionary tale. Just as she was about to stop, little Pamby reached for the door handle and....didn't let go. The huge heavy door swung open, taking her with it much faster than I can tell it.

She flew a few feet in the soft dirt, punched a hole in her lip, and scraped her elbows, knees and stomach up a little bit. Aside from her crying, my crying because I was sure I'd be in trouble for letting her fall out of the car, plus afraid her lip was going to fall off, and the hysterical screechings of a middle-aged woman who had seen the whole thing happen, Brooke kept very calm. We bundled Pamby back in the car and zoomed (carefully) off to her house, where we cleaned her off and pondered What To Do.

This being back in the days before cell phones, pagers and instant contact with everyone, my parents were still at the beach. In a brilliant stroke of inspiration, intuition, whatever you want to call it, my mom decided they needed to leave where they were right away, and find a phone. This was not normal behavior for my parents; my mom isn't a worrywart, my dad would be loathe to leave the beach, say, before dark. When they didn't reach us at home via payphone (hey, remember payphones? I think there are about three left in Santa Barbara), they called Brooke's house and rushed over.

Pamby got a few stiches from a plastic surgeon, some band-aids, and some extra coddling from everyone. It would take about thirteen years for her little blue scars to fade, but we'll have the memories of a screaming middle-aged woman to last forever.

About the other time she fell out of the car: I wasn't there, but the brief explanation is thus:
Kids in parents' van, driving in a remote area. One kid (guess whooooo?) wasn't buckled up and was seated on the floor. Driver (kids' sister) hits a rough patch of country road, loses control and rolls the van several times, causing the door to pop open and ejecting said kid into the road. By yet another miracle, she didn't get propelled into a tree, wall, another car, or over a Colorado mountain cliff. She did break her collarbone into a number of peices, but was otherwise unharmed. The van, a recent purchase of my parents, perished immediately. Police had to triangulate their cell phone signals to find them (Reason number 2,452 I will Never Move To a Mountain State, or inland, or many places, for that matter: Mountains.), and she later had two surgeries in relation to her collarbone.

Here's the (final) kicker of that one: No one told me anything about it until a month later, when they mentioned, "the accident", in passing. Casually, as though I knew all about it ....because I didn't live with them, and therefore deserved to be puunished by the careful witholding of vital information. Please read that last sentence with a heavy dose of "I'm joking! gaaaaaahd!" on top, ok? Seriously though....if you flew out of a car like so much toast from a toaster, wouldn't you think to pick up the phone and call your sister?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Since we're going down Memory Lane this week...

I was reading Emily's recent entry and it made me think about a few things; the principles of inertia for one, and how (much more) stressful and pressurized parenting has become in the last ten or fifteen years. Mrs. Kennedy (now parenting the darling Jackson in my hometown) readily admits it, Heather's most recent post at AlphaMom talks about how "the bar has been raised in imperceptible increments, for such a long time, that much of the time we don't even realize that we are holding ourselves to standards our mothers never had to meet" - which, in turn, can cause some people (Heather included) to be depressed. Wait, wait... I have a point to make here, I promise.

So I got to thinking about what things were like for my sisters and I growing up...and I came to a few conclusions, the primary of which was this: Despite the "mistakes*" our young parents made, we had a lot of fun, a lot more fun than loads of kids do anymore. I'm really happy they forged ahead and made a family of five where they might have just left off after me. Given the facts that I woke up every hour until I was two, walked and spoke in complete sentences far too early (imagine a year and a half old child stomping her tiny foot on the ground and saying, "Oh S##T! in irritation, in front of your conservative new friends...) and also had an irrational fear of strange things like snails...I'm amazed that my mom had the bravery to give procreation another round, on purpose. She maintains that they had my first sister to keep me from being, in her words, a complete and total raving brat. My second sister followed a mere twenty months later and, like me, was a big surprise.
*I'm not saying they made mistakes, but they might be judged harshly for things they routinely did with us if it were now. You know, like how I was allowed to run around stark naked everywhere without SPF 200 covering every inch of my tender baby flesh (which tanned quite nicely, thankyouverymuch) things like that.

Take the fact that my father used to routinely allow a whole pack of kids to ride in the back of his pick-up truck. I'm talking, ten, twelve kids in the bed, and two or three in the front with him. We'd all pile in and rattle off down the road to the beach or a softball game or on a hike, not a care in the world between us. One day we were en route to go on a hike and had our usual gang of kids, plus a loveable (if a bit thick in the head) boxer named Max with us. Being a dog, he was placed in the bed of the truck with about ten of us kids. Being a dog, he happily hung his head over the side and slurped up the warm summer air. Being a rather dumb dog, he decided to push his thickly muscled chest up to and over the edge of the truck.

"Nat, grab his leash tighter, he's going to jump out of the.." SWOOP. In a flash of tawny fur, he was out, rolling across the pavement with a smattering of yelping cries.
"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! DaaaaAAAaaaaaaaaD!" (chorus of ten kids screaming in terror) By some miracle, Max managed to escape with only a few cuts and scratches that we bandaged at a friends' house and was perfectly able to go on our hike. Other times, I remember him letting us ride laying down on top of his toolbox, lying down.

I don't know one parent that would allow any of that kind of nonsense to go on with their sprogs... for that matter, I don't know that I'd allow some of that. But what do we have to show for it? The fattest, least interested in learning, most neurotic, over-stressed, unhealthy generation of children yet. As a Have-Not, I can only watch and report from the sidelines, not smug, but cushioned, by my blissful ignorance. That and sit back in my rocker on the porch, reminiscing about the good old days.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Oh, honey

Oh, that's riiiiiight! I started this thing because I had in mind a series of clever little vignettes, set in the backdrop of Santa Barbara, lightly spiced with snark! Well, to be honest, this blog was half-meant to try and draw my family slowly and gently into the world of the twenty-first century - I thought if they had a little note from me on the internet every day or so, they might hurry up and join in on the fun of email and remote communication. Really, what fun is there in life until you can share the joy of clearing your inbox of ten "SpeCiaL on herbal MallleEnhanCEMENT" and "I've cracked the code...93 million dollars in just ninety-eight hours" with your parents?
Clearly this woman needs to get emails from single Russian women and Constipation D. Hooligan. Clearly. To be honest, here is where Mama and Papa Meepers are at right now:
They called me today to see what cell network I'm on, as they are considering purchasing one of those new-fangled contraptions, a cellular phone. I hear they've also considered installing a real-live, runnin'-water. flushin' toilet. Last week, my mom asked me if I 'had any more of those ... entries...somewhere...out...there?"

"Do you mean...on the internet, mom? Online? Yes, they stay up, in perpetutua, until Blogger crashes and burns, or I delete this blog in an attempt to escape from a crazy online stalker."

"You have stalkers? Honey, isn't that dangerous?"

"No mother, I do not have stalkers, I barely have readers. Yes, my stuff is still up there, in a pretty new format for your reading pleasure....if you would only get thee to the libraray, or get a computer who doesn't remember the BC/AD changeover. Next you're going to want me to print out my entries and mail them to you. "

"Could you? Could you do that? That would be greaaaaat! Your dad is still laughing over the wooden keyboard thing- so if you could just print those out and mail them to us....maybe I'll get time someday to sit down and read some of them - right after I get done re-shingling the house." This coming from a woman who has one album of (my) baby pictures and has moved four large boxes of loose, mostly bad, snapshots, at least six times by my count. You can eat off her floor, but will my sisters and I ever sift tenderly through our shared family chronology without wondering aloud who exactly is that...and what is perched on their head, and why are ninety percent of the pictures taken when someone is eating, talking, or making a terrible face?
Not without back strain, says I.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of strains: An update on my current (lack of) health: Continuing bad to worse, strep seems to have come full loop back to beginning, no sleep for more than an hour or two at a time in over a week, so I'm exhausted and have the crack-jitters all at once. Thank goodness for modern miracles like fans and cold showers to help with the fevers I can't shake. Scott mentioned that he'd be getting me a spitoon this morning, but I've yet to see it. Diet in the last few days: Liquid (water, hot water, sprite, water, chicken broth) with a few bites of tofu ice cream (blech!). Prognosis: Bleak. Please send Mexican painkillers or medically induced coma soon. In lieu of lots of flowers, dessert and drinks, no tears at funeral - fun stories about crazy times we've had together only. Go ahead and start now - how did we meet? What did you think? What happened?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Walking It Off

The scores' down, Lakers 111, Phonix Suns 118... me... one Fat Tire from getting sleepy...verry sleeepy. Since Mama and Papa Meepers are still in town (weather is, of course continuing fog/drizzle so they are going nuts over no beach time) I thought I'd do a quick follow-up to that last, rather tart, post. I've got a wedding (lovely, should be easy and fun) tomorrow, so I should be in bed, but my adrenaline is pumping and I already know I won't be sleeping for a few more hours.

Yesterday, my mom got done with hanging out with her friend(s) and came over to our house. I whisked her out of there, so she wouldn't start cleaning or organizing or giving me Fannie Farmer tips on how to boil water. Even she acknowledges, without reproach, that these things are just, "not your strong spot, Pip... just like I can't design a house or plan a wedding..or take up painting.." I do always remind her that the things I am good at STAY DONE. Also, no one will starve or die from a 'bad' painting or a less-than-perfect wedding. I always think that between the two of us, its as though Felix Unger gave birth to Oscar Madison.

We walked from our house down State Street, stopping and looking at shops, plants and cute houses like always, talking about nothing in particular. In my family, saying, "Let's go for a walk" is synonymous with saying, "Let's talk". There were no interuptions (thanks, cell phones) no one "dropping by" right at a dramatic moment, the freedom to be quiet and think. If a moment got overly tense, we could always divert our attentions to a vista, a park or a pressing need for a drink of water.

Some days I ask S to go for a walk and he always asks, "Where are we going?", and I usually toss back an irate, "for a walk, whatd'ya mean where?". Generally when I toss out a destination, he'll say, "Naaaaaaaaah... I don't wanna go theeerrrre... we should go to Oak Park."
Oak Park is a scant two and a half blocks from our house, not even enough time to get started talking and walking, much less have an actual conversation with any more subject beyond what to have for dinner.

On the way down State Street my mom and I went into Fashionique, a gem of a consignment store run by some old Carp. buddies of ours. They have amazing vintage, great brands and such. good. prices. I got two adorable skirts, two darling thin, zip-up hoodies (Chock Late brown and a nice leaf green) and an extra-long, extra-thin pink shirt for sixty bucks! Everything is like new and different or funky enough for my "trying not to look like Morticia Addams" resolution for spring and summer. I picked out an a-dor-able white skirt (linen-y cotton applique work) and another skirt (graphic cream and black) for my mom, she added an adorable black and cream top from Bannana. We spent so much time chatting and trying on clothes that we never made it down to the bead store we'd set out for in the first place.

S. picked us up, we ran home and changed into cute going-out clothes and ran to Montecito to pick up my dad from Cafe del Sol and headed for Opal. The 'dinner scene' my dad had decried the night before turned into "The best service, staff, food we've had in FOREVER!", complete with a gratis creme brulee, courtesy of the owner and my favorite bartender, Esteban*. Both of those gents, plus another one of the waiters, sat down and chatted with us - my parents were out of their heads with the love we got - apparently the service is bad to excruciating in the Aspen area, despite all the money that flies around. My mom wrote them an adorable note on their chalkboard, my dad rhapsodized over the food and (of course) tried dorkily to flirt with the waitresses. They both were surprised at how "reasonable the prices" were for how tasty/organic/nicely presented it was. All in all, it was a smashing sucess - so delectable that we had to take a walk after dinner.
(*He's one of the top five bartenders in Santa Barbara, and will only be at Opal for two more weeks. After that, you'll find him at Stella Mare's. I'm just bummed I won't be able to walk to the best rosemary lemon drop around anymore!)

Dinner Menu, in case you were wondering:

Appetizer:
-Phyllo-Wrapped Tiger Prawns over shredded green with a light coconut curry dipping sauce.
Wine: Foxen Cabernet, 2002
-Paella (me) with prawns, scallops, mussels, Andoulaise sausage and chicken. Heaven!
-Chicken-Wild Mushroom Enchilades (mom)
-Wild Salmon with...something and whipped potatoes (dad)
-Filet tips and a spicey cream sauce, pasta (S.)
and...
-Creme brulee. Mmmmm

Walk it off, indeed

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Beam Me Up, Scotty! (A rant to end all rants)

Gaaaaah! If I don't grow an ulcer this week, it will be a bloody miracle. Since I was a child, I've always held radically different ideas, interests and opinions (and not just for the sake of being difficult, I swear) from my family. My aunt and I have always joked that she'd swear I am her child, but for the fact that she watched me come into this world. The fact is that in twenty-mrrmmmrph years of life, I haven't been able to learn how best to deal with my parents. Each time they come out, hope springs eternal that one of the following will happen:

a) S. and I will morph into an early-risin', backpackin', health-food eatin' (g-dropping) folks who enjoy long uphill treks, snowshoes, and bathing in ice water with biodegradable all-purpose soap when possible.
b) They will suddenly begin to appreciate the subtle charms of visiting a museum (instead of tramping around outside, complaining about the fog) having a two-hour dinner with four people or less, or become open to the possibility of taking a family vacation to somewhere that is not. America. Without friends, or pre-conceived notions gleaned from Who-Knows-Where. With plaaaans, people, plans!*
c) the Mothership will beam me (them?) up and explain that we were all just an extensive sociology experiment, and returns us to our origins.
d) They will start hearing something other than, "blaah, blah, blah" when I talk.

*Plans: Deciding to take an action or do an activity more than ten minutes prior to said action. Plans for activities often do not involve depending entirely on the phase of the moon or wether the sun is out.

Thus far in the week, I've thanked the heavens above many a time for the following:

  • When we visited them in January, we flew. Seventeen hours in the car is pretty much intolerable.
  • Wine, especially Babcock Petit Syrah; the fact that in California you don't have to go to another store to purchase it.
  • No kids in the family which means my mother will have to barely conceal her joy over other people's struggles with their kids. Plus she will not get to endlessly dramatize stories of how horrible I was as a baby/toddler/kid/teenager to my children for the next thirty years.
  • Wentworth Miller (eyes, lips)from Prison Break .
  • The fact that S. allows me to endlessly ogle and critique wee lads like Wentworth Miller without too much censure, in his direct earshot.
  • Due to item #3, we will never be required to spend seventeen hours in the car with tiny tots or trek through the Denver Airport during major holiday-type times of year.
  • Phone calls to/from my sister that reassure me that they are indeed, difficult.
  • Summer Roundup is only a little over a month away. (Santa Barbara Bowl with : The Strokes, Yellowcard, Panic! At The Disco, Franz Ferdinand, She Wants Revenge, Hard-Fi.)
  • My husband and his infinite capacity for warm snuggling. Beam me up Scotty, indeed. (Yes, I've just "outed" him for the second time in a week.)
UPDATED TO ADD:

I've totally just been admonished that it would be entirely too much to "do the whole dinner scene..." (huge dramatic pause, as though having a nice dinner... on me, by the way, would be entirely too much to ask.) I don't ask for much, people.. but apparently the thought of having dinner with Scotty and I and no one else... is far to torturous. Again.. Beam me up Scotty!

Friday, April 28, 2006

Peace, Love and Dim Sum

Well, all is smilies and flowers in the Meepers/Mooshi household - The Lakers have just won against the Suns! Not that I care at all, but when one is married to a man who's (whose? whos'? help Spelling Police!) Final Act as a Single Man was to tape the Laker game....and who, it must be said, checked on said game from the bridal suite...one finds that life is much richer when "The Team" is winning.


Other Good Things Lately include:

-Going to a (The, S. would say) custom knife show up in Solvang today. Many bright, shiny, expensive, sharp things there. The makers pretty much always seem happy to see us and some of them remember us from year to year, so we get to catch up a bit. I'm not the knife collector in this family; I actually was just along for the ride and so S. would have more than one entry into a couple of drawings. Mind you, these drawings don't result in any merchandise being given away; no, they are merely chances to purchase the knives from the Master Craftspeople who make them. Most of them are more artists than metalworkers, and they are generally regarded as The Top 100 Makers in the "knife world". The great things about this show besides seeing all the amazing work are: It is only about a half hour from our front door and some of the knives sell for double or even triple what we can buy them for at the show.

-Running into Noah Wyle at the show with his adorable, tow-headed little son on his shoulders. Actually, I was looking at the kid and actually said aloud, "Ohhh! What a cute little boy!" before I actually realized that Mr. W. likely thought I was trying to talk to him. Which, in fact, I was not - I was never a big ER fan, truth be told. Now my sister (Pamby, the "baby") is another story... she went crazy when I called her later on and told her about it. David Crosby was there, as he always is. Noah Wyle sported a fashionable half-inch of dark stubble, deliberate, but not over-mussed hair and a leather/sheepswool jacket; his little son, (I'm told by The Google that he's called Owen) looked adorably bed-headed, slumped over his dads' shoulders.

My parents, Mama and Papa de Meepers, will be in town tomorrow evening. Naturally, since I told them last month that I'd be up to my eyeballs with a wedding this Friday. Thus is the way of all parents, I think. When I came back from Costa Rica the first time (and when S. and I went together) and told them how much they'd love it, that it was inexpensive and easy to get to, pretty and relatively unspoiled etc... and that we wanted to go on a family trip.. what happened? They nodded, smiled, and immediately informed us that they thought it would be more fun to make it a 30-person tour*. This from people who, due to no fault of their own, have never left the country.

Truly, I love and respect them, but they simply do not comprehend the fact that it is a Bad Idea to make your first trip to a place like that a giant convention of braying tourists. Period. Despite our best reasonings, they completely and entirely side-stepped the possibility of doing something with just our family. We had our first "family trip" the week my grandmother died (Let me tell you: Northeastern Oregon in January + Sudden passing of a relative + A full house of 'memories" and a town of less then 400 people and almost no wine to be had = Good Times, baby, good. times! More fun than exploratory surgery!) The second was this past January, in Colorado in the snow. I don't do snow, really, I won't need to see snow for another fifteen or twenty or fifty years.

Like Molly, sometimes I think they just do not hear me when I am talking. It is entirely possibly that when I talk, they are envisioning the six-year-old me, in braids and a nightgown, hopping up and down, playfully bossing them in her tiny-woman voice. Even though I've been in or around the wedding business since I was sixteen years old (meaning: No summer holidays of any length), they've not quite managed to catch on to this fact yet. Usually my dad genially admonishes me to, "just blow it off," (riiight... a wedding-related item...not going to happen withot a darned good reason) and too "come to the beeeach, come outside for once," as though I cloister myself in the house for fun. Generally what happens when they come out is this: They arrive, and the weather goes down the tube. They grimly lament our coastal fogs (summer) or say through shivers "how waaarm it was at home!" (spring, fall) or a week prior to the trip, try to re-schedule for a "full moon" (when I'm trying to have a surprise party for them). If I suggest a quiet family dinner for the four of us, they will invariably invite six or eight of our/their friends and the friends' kids. It isn't that we don't all love each other to bits - they just don't hear me (or S.) when we speak to them. Allow me to re-iterate: I'm really, really happy they are coming!

Third: I may be taking a girls' weekend with my girlfriend up to the City. Cannot wait! Chinatown! Sourdough breadbowls! Berkeley! This guy and his lovely wife! (time permitting) Martinis without children asking for "just a siiip, pleeease!" The Stinking Rose! Streetcars! Art! More exclamation marks, please! Unfortunately, without Ruby, there will be no pictures... but I promise to try and do a re-cap when I recover. I mean, return.



Peace, love and dim sum to you!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Forging Ahead

Carmel and Monterey are so restful and refreshing - I'm sure that is due to the fact that we're just there for a few fun days at a time, but I always feel well-rested up there. We came in Wednesday afternoon, the smatterings of rain quickly growing into deep gray downpour. From the car we watched familiar creeks and rivers swell and churn with water, listened to the shhh! shhHHhh! of the rain under the tires, made our plans. A few hours later, we were tucking into sizzling fish and chips, everything doused in lemon and steaming, giant chips, mealy in their centers. The tender flakes of white flesh and golden-crisp breading of the fish dunked in tartar sauce and whisked into our mouths, hurry, hurry no time to let them cool. Bright tangy wine (Cab Franc, of course) as a foil to the decadant fried foods, cutting the fat in what we hope was

  • the French Paradox . No matter, though, we were in the company of friends; so all the calories just went to our funny bones and dissolved as laughter. I hope.

  • Thursday, we went for a quick morning soak in a hot tub wearing just skivvies. In keeping with my families' "Naked Hippy" heritage, I would have been up for a quick skinny dip. I think S. would have gone for it, too, but it was broad daylight, in plain view of a bunch of neighbors and we were at our friends' house with someone still inside.

    Thursday was an exquisite day on the Penninsula - one of the rare days that are actually sunny and warm. There are few places as naturally beautiful as Carmel/Monterey/Big Sur, but they don't usually have really warm or hot weather for any amount of time. Consequently, it seemed like everyone who could walk, ride or sit in a stroller was out roaming the streets. S and his uncle and I sat outside at The Forge in the Forest and talked about shoes and ships and sealing wax... erm, yeah, everday things.

    Please note: For this luncheon, I was wearing some nice new jeans (thanks, babe!) and a little black shirt and The infamous pointy black BCBG heels and had even managed a complete blow-out and a little makeup, so I felt good. S. was sporting his 'good jeans' and a nice shirt. All in all, we were fairly presentable. Out of the blue, Uncle came out with the following non sequitor, at top volume, (he's pretty well deaf) natch.

    Uncle: "So.. where do you guys do your shopping?" (We'd been talking about camping in Yosemite)
    Me: "You mean for food? At Trader Joes, most of the time.."
    Uncle: "No, no, for clothes - do you go to Wal-Mart or K-Mart?"
    Me/S: "Ummm.... no, uncle" (trying to maintain straight faces and avoid sinking into the bricks with embarassment)
    Uncle: "You should go to Wal-Mart.. they have some really good deals. I got these shoes (indicates shoes) for thirty five dollars!" Said shoes...look like about fifteen dollars' worth of shoe. We nodded and smiled enthusiastically, as though we were planning to go directly to K-Mart, without passing Go, as soon as lunch was over). "So where DO you shop?" (very inquisitive, as though the "Mart" stores are our only possible options). I murmured a quick aside to S.,
    "He'd have a stroke right now if he knew you spent forty-nine, ninety-nine on these jeans."

    Uncle concluded lunch by pitching a fit over the fact that his coffee was billed as "decaf" (it wasn't), which caused me to pop up like a Jack in the box to run over and get him a 'to-go' cup... He then promptly took two sips and poured the rest of it into the remains of his Perrier, remarked that it looked like dark beer and huffed out. Such restful and relaxing times are de rigour when we're with Uncle, but we don't take it seriously. Having been coddled and spoiled and not required to display more than the barest smattering of manners his entire life, he's not about to change at this late date. Dealing with him takes a huge dose of patience, a lot of yelling, and of course the occasional break to step out and mutter to myself.

    So when he informed us that we would be going for a little hike, I rooted round in the car for my loafers and we headed for Garrapata State Park. We hiked to the middle of a gorge filled with warm sunshine, cactus and calla lilies, a clear stream cutting through its curves. When we reached the point where we couldn't go any further in sandals, we turned around. Before I started back down, I took a deep lungful of salty, minty, sage-filled air and saying a tiny prayer of thanks for friends, family and the courage to forge ahead, whatever happens.

    Thursday, February 09, 2006

    Oxygen is your friend

    One of my main concerns on the way out to Colorado was that we would spend a number of our precious vacation days trying, and failing, to adjust to the altitude. Along these lines, I reminded my family (repeatedly) that if they had any ideas about getting me to say, ski or snowboard, they'd need to provide an oxygen tank and a Sherpa just to get me up the mountain. Just before we touched down to minus-five degrees, S. started doing the Silent Shake. No, he does not suffer from seizures, he was laughing at himself, which is always a good sign to me since I do the same thing, usually at totally inapropriate times, like when we're both about to fall asleep or there is a funeral service going on. Don't ask why. While he was wiping his eyes, I asked, "What is so funny now?"

    "I was just thinking of that scene in Cool Runnings (pardon my reference, but you KNOW you watched that movie!) where they come to the airport..." He didn't get any further than that, because I was doing my version of the silent shake, with less silence and more eye-wiping.

    "Aaaaahhhaaaa! Oh yeeaaah! And they put on ALL the clothes they have AND wear their bags on their heads! Haaaaa"

    It was MINUS FIVE DEGREES when we touched down. May I repeat, MINUS FIVE DEGREES FARENHEIT. That is about...let's see... carry the three... forty degrees COLDER than I ever want to be in. Ever.

    We were greeted by the Entire Family, minus the pets, and headed straight for dinner at one of the few inexpensive places to eat in Aspen, Little Annie's. Since my family are the Best, they brought the following to the airport for me:

    -large, waterproof boots, a good thing since I was wearing leather boots with three inch heels (chunky, they were CHUNKY heels, folks. With grip. I'm not totally dumb!)
    -A cream suede jacket that came down to mid-calf, lined with faux-fur that was both warm and cute, even though I looked like an albino Yeti in it, very cute. It had the added bonus of making me feel like Pinocchio - my arms, legs and body felt as though someone else was controlling their movements. Very chic.
    -Various accoutrements such as scarves, socks, hats, earmuffs, long johns, mittens, etc.

    Apparently they thought I was going to show up at the airport in the middle of January wearing ..... a Lil' Kim outfit? Maybe just pants and a pastie? Or maybe... they just know me well enough to know that I would be Frickin' Freezin', Mr. Bigelsworth. Amazingly we were able to take an after-dinner stroll along Aspens' brick-cobbled, tree-lined walking streets, and admired the ice sculptures and the line-up of Gucci, Prada, Ralph Lauren, etc ad nauseum that comprises the downtown area of Aspen. S describes it as, "Rodeo Drive in the snow", and I tend to agree.

    Along the way, I re-re-reiterated that I was in No Way going to be doing any traversing, telemarking or other such activities. S piped up and said that he wanted to go Skiing, please. The devilish glint in my fathers' eye went from "Plotting Son-in-Law's Demise" to "Now I can Make it Look like an accident' and he exclaimed, "Oh YEAH, dude! How's Tuesday? Or Wednesday? I'll take a day off work, and we'll go - it'll be FUN!"

    "Uhhh... Yeah! sure, sounds great," S replied. Later on, I reminded him that possibly the lack of oxygen had gone to his head, and that the reason he'd agreed to go skiing with MY FATHER a mere two days after we'd arrived. Now, to outsiders this exchange might seem a bit funny after over five years of marriage - but remember that a scant three months after we were married, my family (still recovering from the shock of my June wedding to the guy I started dating in March) moved to Colorado. They really never had the chance to see how we all get on. My father takes deep, deep delight in pushing anyone, including his own family, to their physical/comfort/crazy limits - much like a five year old with ants and a magnifying glass. Mostly, it is innocent fun and no one gets hurt. Mostly.

    Fast-forward two days to the following scene: S soaking for an hour in a hot tub, than walking with all the grace and dignity of an arthritic giraffe to the bed, where he collapses and waits for me to rub his aching legs. My father had taken him up, up, up a bunch of lifts, where he developed debilitating leg cramps thanks to a bad pair of ski boots and twelve THOUSAND FEET of thin air.

    Oxygen is your friend. That's all I'm saying

    Thursday, January 26, 2006

    I'm Baaaaa-aaaack!

    Such a tease, too... This is totally a teaser post. Hi to ... anyone? Anyone? I'm actually in the process of teaching myself how to make a photo-journal DVD with music, etc and semi-cool fades, so these are some totally raw pictures of us in The Colorado.

    Mt. Sopris, as veiwed pretty much from my sister's (Pony) bedroom.


    This dog (so, so, so adorable...) is Male. He weighs about three pounds. He's called Kitty. Those sick, sick b*stids out there. We have more pictures of him than all of the humans put together, and he's not even any of our dog- Pamby was (is?) house-sitting at this palatial house and he is one of the menagarie that lives there.

    Here are some more of the menagarie - Leo, Cleo and Jazz, who could not stop peeing on the silken bedspreads and were so! soft! and gorgeous! that we were sorely tempted to box them up and bring them home with us. This picture also demonstrates that the Cat-Lady thing is actually both a gene (mom, aunt, sister) and a disease (S. has caught it from me)


    View from the right-hand side of my sisters' house. So pretty! Icesicles for real! Brrrrr!

    Sunday, January 15, 2006

    We're...Almost...Gone

    Just a mass announcement to say: Chock Late will be re-joining my three (are there three of you?) faithful readers on approximately the twenty-sixth of this month.

    Till then, please hope that I am not frozen solid, run over by a reindeer, frost-bitten to death by a snowman, or arrested for appearing homeless (via my stylish arrival wearing jeans, boots, three sweaters a jacket, scarf hat and glove combo that may or may not have been selected by color-blind drunken elves, topped off with my carrying a Trader Joe's fabric bag stuffed full of delicious California only goods.) in Aspen.

    We may be surprised and find wireless internet somewhere, in which case I'll try to update from there. This should be fun!

    I hope.

    Meepers

    Friday, January 13, 2006

    Camel Tears, animal fears

    Would like to report that not only did I purchase the book, but it was actually on 30% sale, which would totally make my mother and aunt happy. I'm sure that if you were in Borders today and saw me, you would be *sure* that I was purchasing material of a, let's say, prurient nature (ahem!), judging by my quick walk, total lack of eye contact with anyone, and low, hushed tones as I approached the check-out counter. The checker looked at me and we shared a mutual sigh, eye-roll and shoulder shrug.

    "So....I take it this isn't for you?" she queried (please keep in mind the title of the book is "Bad Childhood, Good Life")

    "Ummm....no. It's for my mom, and my aunt." I replied. Now at this point, Normal People would have shut up and paid for thier purchase, regardless of wether it was Goodnight Moon or... I don't know, Good, Night! Moan!" ...if yaknowwhatImean.
    And I'm sure you do.

    Not me. I felt somehow strangely compelled to EXPLAIN that this was NOT for me, and that I was not lying and saying it was my mother just to look like less of a dork. I say "less" because anyone over the age of oh, 22, coupled with the incredible shame of being Seen in Public with a Self-Help Book...has officially become a Dork. No matter how cool your new hair cut is, or how many Napoleon Dynamite/The Mars Volta/BRMC/other pop culture references you can make. It is over, OV-VAH, the minute you pick up any book with an author named "Dr. ___________" (Phil, Laura, Bob, etc)

    "Ya... I used to come home from school as a kid and make fun of her on her radio show, but my mom and aunt totally love her, and my sister asked me to bring a signed copy out when we come and visit them on Monday." I replied. "You should hear her tagline! 'and I'm the mother of my children...how does that make you qualified to give advice, y'know?" I asked. "We're going out there Monday and they asked me to pick up some stuff for them at Traders', plus this book."

    Y'all, I may as well said, "We'll be on flight # 23515045, departing at 18:30, from gate 14 out of Santa Barbara airport. Too Much Detail, AGAIN! Gah!! But I wasn't finished, no, no couldn't leave well enough alone, or even close. Because I had to Validate my story. Like anyone would go to that much trouble to LIE about a stupid book.

    "Oh? Where to?" (This I'm sure was to be polite) she asked - surely she wasn't trying to work up a sale, considering I'd already handed her my card.

    "Colorado...you wouldn't happen to have gift wrap still available, would you?" I asked hopefully, "I have to hide my shame somehow."

    "Ya, wouldn't want to have it out on the plane - that would be dangerous, like a particle bomb, right?" she said. Thank goodness - She GOT me. Also, the wrapping will serve as a protective barrier between me and the She-Evil that is Dr. L. Am quite mortified to say that I believe Dr. L lives here, at least part-time, and that I know for a fact that she endorsed some crap line of jewlery here locally.

    In a totally different vein: Am watching "Tears of the Camel" with one eye - dude, Mongolians know how to LIVE in tents - they have tapestries and killer rugs and neato lacquered red furniture and everything! Really, that is pretty cool. Especially since it's all portable and they have to dig about 50 feet to find water. Can you imagine digging for your water? I complain about not having one of those little spicket/filter devices and having to go "all the way to Traaader Jooooe's." Also.. the little Mongolian kids are so, so cute - they appear to be pretty much BORN with more athletic abilty than I will ever have. Please note that I hate tents, camping, performing any bodily function in public/sub-par facilities...I'm just saying, I love how self-contained and together the families seem to be. Plus.. a five year old riding a camel? What's not to like? Ohhh...except for the gratuitous views of camel hoo-ha (eeeek!) and the shot of the baby camel TRYING TO WALK WHEN ITS BACK LEGS ARE STILL INSIDE THE MOTHER. That is just a tad bit disturbing. But...watch, anyway.

    Meepers....Who STILL has not packed and is taking "preventative medicine" (read: Firestone Latitute 34.5 Merlot) to combat our collective anxiety (minor, we're not panic-attacking over here, don't worry). S = less than happy about being in a plane. Me = having chest pains over leaving Fynn "alone" (By alone, I mean: With capable handlers and other kitties, his own bed, brush/comb, toys* and feeding dishes, videos to watch, indoor trees to climb, scratching posts, a fountain...need I go on?). How sad is that?

    *"Toys" include wine corks (great for chasing around) and tampons, because at some point he decided he likes to chew the paper off, than bite them into wee little pieces until it looks like it snowed on my rug. Also normal kitty toys like mini-tennis balls, a wand with a fake mouse and balls with bells in them. And his leash and harness, and probably my sarong that he's slept in/on since he was a baby.

    Spoiler for those who want to know about the camel: Basically, camels apparently sometimes reject their young for no reason, and will not nurse or care for them, which leaves the little ones in a bad way. In this story, a family is concerned about thier new camels' rejection of her baby, and end up hiring this guy to come and sing and PLAY the VIOLIN to the CAMEL, so it will accept its new baby. I'm totally not telling you what happens after that - you'll have to rent the movie! Trust me, it is worth your while, just to hear the noises a camel makes.

    By the way - do you think if S. plays guitar to Fynn, he will feel better? And how many times do you think I can call the cat hotel before they say, "Look, lady, he's just a FRICKIN' CAT! Get a GRIP!" and I dissolve into embarassing tears in front of my family, which will solidify and freeze due too the cold, thereby rendering me a solid, pitiful statue of Why I Should Get a Life? Or maybe just a camel.

    M.

    Tuesday, January 10, 2006

    Great Expectations of Grandeur...Or...How Much I Love My Mother


    This is why I don't do the resolution thing. Like THREE DAYS/posts later, here I am, slackin' hard. Even though I know that only about three or four people read this, I feel the little voice at the back of my head chanting, "They're waiting for youuuu!" - allow me to clarify that, so it seems less weird that I listen to the voice. When S and I are supposed to be going somewhere, he does this thing that is gar-un-teeed to drive me crazy: He stands in our room, generally in a state of un/barely clothed, and says, "We're waitin' for you! I'm IN the CAR!" etc, repeat, repeat until I finish my toilette and stomp out to the car, muttering and than grumbling things like;

    "Where did I put my.....you ARE NOT either in the car.... hurry up, I'm freezing/we're LATE!" as I jam bobby pins into my hair or swipe a bit of foundation on and rub eyeshadow on my eyelids. Generally the car is where most of my making-up goes on - I am more or less unused to having a level, stationary area for primping. My sister (Pony) doesn't understand this at all - since she is my polar opposite in the getting-ready department - which explains why she always looks so perfect. See? In exactly five days, I get to go and see Pony, and the rest of my WHOLE family.

    To say that I'm excited is the same as holding up an autumn leaf and shouting, "Look! It's FALL!" - it just doesn't cover it. They are the best fun, most (often unintentionally) hilarious, crazy-making people I know. To say, "I love my family, they are great" - well, again with the bad metaphor, right? My sisters and I can reduce my mom and aunt to silent, shaking, hysterical laughter with a few well-placed words and gestures. This is magical. When I was ten or eleven, I used to come home, tired from school, ready for a snack and some hang-out time before the homework mill started. Many of those afternoons, I'd walk in the door to the gentle sounds and scents of my mom ironing - and the dreadful, grating noise of the SHE-DEVIL on the radio. That's right, my mother has been a Dr. Laura junkie for about fifteen years.

    Oh, the everlasting shame and degredation. Even back then, I was certain that Dr. L was the great Mistress of Evil Incarnate- that all-knowing, snippy tone coupled with those little sound bites of reconstituted common sense - She must be stopped. And the books! Those self-loving, aggrandizing, mile-long titles - "Men Who Love Women Who Eat their Own Young" and "Women Who Can't Tell Their In-Laws to Shut Up, So they Kill them and Bury them in the Backyard". Worst of all, her "tag" line, "And I'm the Mother of My Children" - well, naturally you are, lady... but does that fact give you a right to just get an 800 number and start dispensing advice to every sad sap in middle America? At what point do you say to yourself, "Hmmm... I am SO good at giving advice - I think I'm just going to tell Everyone What to Do With Their Lives!"

    I would sit and listen to my mother iron, and talk to her, and make fun of Dr. Laura until my mother laughed so hard she cried. When we go out there in five days, I am totally planning to do the same thing.

    Along with a copious list of Things You cannot get in Colorado (at least not for a non-exorbitant price) I've been tasked with buying and bringing items such as: lemon curd, Wine, chocolate, hot chocolate (special kind, three tins please) ginger biscuits, white wine, panko crumbs (I actually added these) Irish breakfast tea, a special brew, Vodka (actually that is for us, I'll see if it lasts through the first 24 hours) and of course Wine. My other sister, the Baby (Pamby) sent me the following text message today: "Hey, you have to do me a favor. Dr. Laura is going to be at Borders on State St. doing book signing. Buy the book "Bad Childhood, Good Life' and get it signed to mom and auntie"

    And that, folks, is how much I love my mother and my aunt. I'm totally doing it. Thank GOODNESS they don't know how to use the interweb.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This just in: S got the rockin' new Elph something or other camera today and is in the midst of shooting Our Favorite Subject, the Wildlife in our Home. Said subject is none too pleased with Papa's sudden excursion into photography (neither am I, come to think) and is biting his toes and legs with vigor. This means one thing: Score! Sweeet pictures of snow next week! Yesssss!

    Meepers - out!

    Wednesday, January 04, 2006

    Don't call me ... any of these

    I picked this as a blogger 'name' so it was a little bit more private (well, as private as you can be when you put such copious amounts of self-portraiture up). It comes from working at my old office - I used to manage (read: take the blame for any problems, re-stock everything, handle everyone's stuff and be there at all hours of operation) a small office. My old boss used to announce his entry by saying, "Meeep-pers!" as he swung the door open, a practice that was totally redundant since we'd already a) spied him driving in from one of our windows b) closed all non-work browser windows c) stowed our magazines/makeup/margaritas d) put on our "busy" faces and shuffled around papers so as to look very, very busy. Over the next few years, we all got in the habit of doing it, first in a mocking manner and then because it was just ..... habit.

    Oddly enough, in Real Life, I've got many, many nicknames - most of which have at least a couple of derivatives and many of which make Absolutely No Sense or Are Totally Not Funny...unless you were there. So really, this is just a.... blog-lette? In which I explain why I am called the following at various different times, by various people.
    -Pipp, Pippi, Pip the Whip, Pippi Longstockings (well, of course!) Given to me by my darling mother. If I call her right now, there is about a fifty percent chance that she will squeal, "PiiiiiiiiPeeeee!". I keep trying to tell her that I'm not an apple seed or a freckled redhea....wait, I DID just get a bunch of red in my hair. Hmmm.
    -Rula. Rulalenska. Madame Rula/lenska. Thanks, again, Mom! What she's saying here is that I'm dramatic. I'M DRAMATIC!

    -Helkum, Helkum Bagel - An interesting one. You pronounce "Helkum" the way you pronounce "Challah bread" or "Hannukuh" -with the phlegmy "gchhh" sound at the beginning. Given to me by my lovely friend Jason about ten years ago. My family (he counts as family, as does his lovely wife Sunny and thier crazy kids) and some friends were up at a local swimming hole, Red Rock. Somehow I managed to become the Designated Towel/Cooler/Chair/stuff-holder both on the way in and out. Since I didn't have enough limbs to carry fifteen large towels, I started wrapping them around and over my head and arms until I looked something like this:

  • So Jason turned to me, and shouted, "HELKUM! HELKUM BAGEL, is that you under there?"


  • -Hilare (from my friend Dani) also "Longcase" and "Meera" ... leftovers from high school, where I spent a good amount of time being the Walking Cliff notes for most of our graduating class*, weakly fending off both wanted (and unwanted) advances from Boys, and wishing I was done, already. When I graduated at 17, I immediately realized I'd been correct in 80% of my thinking. I'm not a "classroom" learner, never have been.
    *Someday remind me to explain how about The Time I tried to tell Dani the Plot of Julias Cesar, or The Time I Accidentally Staged a Mass Walk-Out, or How I Skipped My Senior English Final.
    -Pia, Pia Butt, P.B. Peeb. This is the one that I both hate, and get called....the most.
    -Frwog (like Frog with a speech impediment) apparently I look like this in the morning:
  • Aren't you glad you aren't there?

  • -Little Broiled Flounder (see above)
    -myname/Papaya - its the only thing that rhymes, and in our family, it goes with this little ditty. A-hem, tweeeeet! (blows on pitch-pipe)
    "There once was a girl named xxxx,
    Who lived in the land of Hawaii-a;
    She hopped out of bed,
    and it must be said,
    Politely demanded papaya."

    Yes, I have a strange family. I love them very, very much. This song was made up by my mom and aunt when I was a wee small 'un. Yes, I've been to Hawaii, no I've never lived there, and for the record I find papaya to be the only fruit I've ever had that I do NOT like.

    -Windjammer (only as a kid when I was learning to talk and never, ever shut up)
    -Smitty - who knows?
    -Ayah - as in the faithful Indian nanny type, who used to care for the priveleged children of Britan who lived in India way back when. Only called this by my friend Gnat. Hmm.... She IS light... and I was always very dark at the time - too much Kipling, anyone?

    Really, its a wonder I've not had an identity crisis and Fynn has about 35 psudonyms.
    Does anyone else have this problem? What are (or were) you called? Did you like it or hate it? Why/why not? Do/will you nickname any children or pets you have/will have?

    Oh, and I forgot one:

    -Trouble.

    Monday, January 02, 2006

    THIS JUST IN!

    In very small news of the world: Bad daughter and Good Son-in-Law finally visit her parents and Family - Five Years Late.

    This was not, I repeat, NOT, anything I wanted to happen. Nor is it because we don't all love each other to peices. We do - and there is much mailing of packages and letters and things back and forth at regular intervals. Not only that, but if you look back at

  • this entry
  • you'll see pictures from a most splendid surprise twenty-fifth anniversary party we threw for Ma and Pa Meepers about a year and a half ago. Wedding season being what it is, the times of the year I'm told are "good weather" (ie not snowing, sleeting or 20 below) are precisely the times I can't be away. To my sheer delight, S "announced" that we were 'Going to Colorado, woman". He's not given to "announcing" things to me any more than I am in the habit of standing on my head, so this was a bit of a shock to me.

    So, as of today, we are Officially booked. I'll be (mostly) on hiatus January 16-25th, so probably no entries around then, but I'm sure there will be lots of travel stories, (I'm hoping none of them involve lost baggage or missed flights) on our return.

    Yessssssssssssss!

    Meepers
    (who will now spend the next two weeks in Trader Joe's, purchasing wine, lemon curd and other toothy goods that are Not Readily Available out thur in the Boonies)

    Thursday, December 22, 2005

    We Interrupt This Blogcast...

    Our very squishy niece, I will call her Elle for the Internet, and her very squ....wait, cute, uncle S. Note family resemblance and get back to me when you figure out what it is.

    To bring you late-breaking pictures of the extreme squishy-ness, almost live from the Casa de Kitty. Said feline has spent the better part of the last two days scratching his head and thinking, "That is most definitely NOT any kind of cat I've ever seen.... and it is sitting in MY lap!"


    I gave her the worlds' tiniest pedicure - this color is called "Lady", and she did indeed behave like a tiny little lady, other than the gaseous explosions. Kid belches and poots like her uncle, I tell ya!






    Because everyone is cuter and more timeless in sepia.



    The (temporarily) deposed King of the House, ruling in on the current State of Affairs:
    "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it ANYMORE!"



    In other, related news: Can you tell that we are a leetle bit obsessed with the Photobooth setting of our new computer? Everyone in the family has been forced to sit for it at one time or another. The potential for levity here is pretty much endless, so you can expect more of this in the future.

    Ahhhhhh.....


    Note cool crocheted (knitted? purled? I have NO idea!) hat made by my friend - if you'd like one for yourself or a baby you know. She sells them for a great price. Very soft, flexy and you can wash them in the machine. While I'm on the shout-out block, she also does SUPER CUTE baby blankets, "loveys" (smaller than a blanket, very very soft) and other stuff of that nature in cute funky patterns. Email me if you're interested.



    Meepers, reporting to you live from an undisclosed location. Sassily, and apparently with only one eye open, since the other one was blinded by the extreme biteableness of Elles' cheeks, thighs and miniscule finger-toes.



    Now with the whole family! Please excuse my bad hair day and the luggage under my eyes... I'd try and blame in on Elle, but she actually wasn't staying with us and is a regular Cherub of smiley-ness, so no can do. Concealer recommendations welcome. Say....Formula!

    Friday, December 02, 2005

    Get out your Galoshes..



    We awoke today to the gentle shhhhh and SHHHLOSSSSHHHH! ing of the first rain of what we have as winter here - a bit cooler weather, rain that varies from "nostalgic" to "irritating" to "sticky/clammy" to "oh my god we don't have FLOOD insurance!/Let's walk down and look at the creek." It's a little-known fact that all native Santa Barbarans are actually made of icing sugar - if touched or affected by a bit of precipitation your average Oregonian would call a "nice day", we will go into a sequence not unlike the Wicked Witch of the West:

    You know:

  • like this:
  • So out come the umbrellas, the newspapers (for the optimists/underprepared) held over the head, the baleful looks, raised fists and squinty eyes of the peeved. It also triggers the 101 What the Hell! Syndrome - meaning people who usually drive (fairly) normally suddenly realize, "Dude, I've got a H3 with advanced turbo-drive traction - so I'd better get to using that stuff - that's why I bought this thing and pay $2.00 a gallon for gas!" and proceed to go 800,000 miles per hour, squeeeealing and peeealing and than crasssh!ing and splassssh!ing and throwing up small tsunamis of muddy water around corners. Thus leading the three people who have clearly not lost their collective heads to say, "What the HELL is the matter with that guy? What is this, the frickin' Autobahn?" Its a really great time to stay home, wear your sweatpants until noon and drink tea. What? I'm just saying, it IS.

    Funnily enough, the last two days were beautiful - clear, a few clouds scudding across the sky as if they were custom-ordered from redenvelope.com by Oprah (and who's to say they weren't?) just to enhance the indigo-green-grayish colour of the hills that frame our fair city. You know, like this:


    The rain made me think of other rainy days - so I suppose this particular rain was of the "Nostalgic" variety. Roni and Pamby were born during a period of protracted southern california drought - Roni was actually born during the summer of a horrible El Nino year that gave us heat, dead fish and NO RAIN at all. No rain as a weather pattern continued for the better part of seven years. Which is really much to long of a time for a place with dry/clayey/weird soil and the erosion problems of any coastal regions. I can clearly remember the day that I realized little Roni and Pamby at ages three and five respectively, did not remember RAIN. It had indeed rained, albeit lightly and so briefly as to do no good, during their lifetimes - but they were to small to remember it.

    Everyone I knew followed the "if it's yellow, let it mellow" (gross!) rule, using the minimum amount of water for everything possible, and many of us regularly took "ship showers" (you get wet, turn the water off, soap up, rinse off, etc). In January of 1991, some areas of town had water bill increases of 300 percent! Low-flow showers, toilets and lawn-watering during daylight hours were the norm and we eventually got an emergency desalinization plant. There was talk of "seeding" the clouds that would sometimes cruelly skirt our mountains, never dropping so much as a micron of rain on us. Playing in the sprinklers or on the slip n' slide was a luxury rarely permitted and almost everywhere was brown and ugly. At one point a brown bear, probably starving and thirsting to death, wandered down OUR STREET. The heat and lack of rainwater flowing into the ocean made a the plankton "bloom", causing a red tide of tiny animals that you could see from land, clotting the water and choking the fish to death. They washed up by the thousands, so going to the beach was out.

    Despite all this mayhem, I was watering some of our flower beds (and my bathing-suit clad self) one hot, sticky late summer afternoon on my mom's orders. Roni and Pamby followed me outside and watched and played as I squirted the hose liberally all over the place and than high up in the air for a "shower" that sent them squealing to the corners of the yard or into the popcorn asphalted driveway that we shared with two other neighbors. I called after them, "Look you guys, its raining! Grab your umbrellas, quick!" and little Roni looked at me and said,

    "What's rain?" blink, blink.

    "What do you mean, what's rain? Its when water falls out of the sky, silly!"

    "What? You mean when you do that with the hose and the water falls down?"

    "No... when the WHOLE SKY gets cloudy and little drops of water fall all over everything, everywhere."

    "Whaaat?"

    "Duuuuh! You're such a BA-by - not knowing what RAIN is!" See how sweet sisters are? Really, its all teaparties and dress-up days. Then I realized she was serious - she'd really never, ever seen it rain. I was astounded, and ended up saying something like, "aaaah, you really don't know, do you..sad."

    In March of 1991, our "March Miracle" rain came, better late then never - finally the heavens took mercy on us and dropped twenty-two inches of rain on our poor, parched land. In one month. Although the rain was a blessing on the whole, it put my dad (construction) effectively out of work and us in some pretty dicey financial times, as opposed to the just-getting-by existence we were used to. Despite this, we all managed to enjoy the rain, even though we were heartily sick of it by April. Taking Roni and Pamby out in the driveway or even to get the mail up the street, swaddled in hand-me-down rubber boots and warm sweaters and contained in the cozy arc of an umbrella, became an adventure.

    Pamby never missed an opportunity to jump into a puddle, and rarely came in with a single patch of dry skin. Roni and I loved to go to the little creek behind our neighborhood and stand on the bridge. We were used to a green, slimy ooze or no moisture at all in the cement-lined wash - the 'bad boys' and homeless used the washes as a kind of alternate sidewalk/urinal/place to tag/battleground. Now we could take leaves, and later, branches and drop them into the chocolatey, milky colored cataract that surged down the wash. Soon, we could hear and feel the deep sound of large stones, dislodged by the swollen streams that fed the wash, rumbling down towards the ocean with great knocking noises.

    Lake Cachuma (say: "Ka-choo-ma" - in the native langauge of the Chumash indian it means, "Constant Sign" spilled its dam, not a moment to soon for all of us. Finally, the two little girls knew the meaning of the words, "its raining!"

    Drip-drop-drop-drop-drip.

    Wednesday, November 30, 2005

    Pesky Brats - Can't Live Without 'Em



    Have I told you that my sisters are supermodels? No? First of all, thanks to our mom (she's the one in the middle that all my high school friends used to hit on/drool over) and dad for some good genes. Most of which I did NOT inherit, being the short/chunky one of the family by comparison. I wear heels and black a lot, which helps.

    Lemme tell ya - it wasn't always that way. Once upon a time, they were just two funny little girls with messy hair (Pamby) and the most heart-rending fake cry on earth (Roni). NOTE: Those are not thier real names, just what we call them. Being the older than them by almost-five and almost-seven years, I would often look at them and say in my big-sister wisdom, "STOP FOLLOWING ME!" or in other, more touching words, "I'M GONNA TELL MOM IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF MY ROOM!". There were probably a million times that I smacked them (not hard) , or wanted to. It was never a question of not loving them to bits, they just drove me up the wall in the way only tag-along siblings can do. Before they were born, I'd said to my mom, "Mommy, we have to have a whole handful of people." - meaning five, one for each digit. Bossy is my MIDDLE name. I honestly thought that a baby brother would be a little buddy that I could take around like a live doll. Notice that I said little brother - when I think back on how determined I was to have one, it was probably due to my conviction that I was the Center of the Family and a BROTHER could not usurp that position. Heh.

    I also had a deep crush on a little boy in my kindergarten class named Aaron. My parents, being a) young ... actually when I think about it, my mom was pregnant with #2 AT MY AGE, and b) extremely easy-going, decided to let me name the baby. This being before the days of 4=D ultrasounds and such, her gender was unknown. Right up until the day she was born in their bedroom, at which point they actually let me check and see what was there. Or, in fact, not there. They'd also agreed to let me name the baby, a feat of such incredible courage I'm still not over it. I went over to where the leg curled-up, vernix-covered brand new baby was lying and yelled out,

    "It's a BOY!"

    Blink, blink, baby cries her first heart-rending, goat-y sounding cries. "No sweetie, its a GIRL."

    "Well, I don't care, I'm STILL naming her Aaron!" Thankfully for my sister, Erin is a pretty name and my four-year old self didn't know the difference for years.

    Imagine what would have happened I'd had a crush on a boy named Jeffery.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pamby was another story altogether from the start - she was born dramatic and has never gotten over it. The midwife that delivered her said, "She reminds me of Sandra Bernhardt!" when she was three days old. Always the kid wearing my mom's tall (riding style) boots with a lampshade and a diaper. Or my dad's boots with a gray wig and a giant T-shirt. Jam, crumbs and a smile on her face as wide as the Golden Gate Bridge. At age two, she decided to open the car door (fortunately our babysitter was just about to stop) and flew! out of the car. She earned a few scrapes, a hole punched through her little lip and a scar that you can just barely see, if you know where to look and get really, really close.

    She was the girl who would throw herself into any activity she did- sleeping (head on a rock or an old smelly dog or a doormat) eating (till she was coated in food) crying (tears shooting out of her eyes like waterworks, face contorted with anguish) The "brave" one of the two of them, who would dare to ask for a mint for Roni, who was always petrified with shyness. Roni's champion, she would dare to smash a bug with a defiant STOMP of her tiny foot. The same kid who decided to give herself a Little Dutch Boy haircut at age three (cut into her finger whilst going round the back bits) and shave her head at age 16. I have it on good authority that it was "actually cute", and I believe it.

    Once Roni decided to "share" a tiny box of raisins with Baby Pamby, who was sitting in our swingset at the time. She dropped them in, one by one, into the little open mouth. Thirty seconds later, when poor Pamby was turning blue and choking, my mom turned back around and immediately upended her and whacked her on the back. Which explains why this is a funny, not tragic story. See? We all survived to tell the tale. The pretty lady in the middle of us is our "Auntie Yoda" (I named her this at age 3, after seeing Star Wars, because she was "so wise"). She was my "other mom" for the first four years of my life when we all lived together.



    Than one day, a funny thing happened: Sometime after S. and I got married and they moved away - They both grew up, got jobs and interests and stories that I don't (and probably will never) know about. We talk on the phone often and write letters and cards back and forth. The stories that I'd be able to read on their faces are obscured by time, distance, different schedules and Life. I can't see them every day, and haven't seen most of my family for more than a year. I miss them the way I miss nothing else - Fortunately, I know they're still Those Pesky Brats from once upon A Time. Deep, deep down there. Love you guys!

    Cheers!