Last weekend, when I was half out of my head with fever, the man who had the table just behind us spent quite some time telling me I needed to go immediately and read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". I nodded, smiled, and murmured something to the effect of "Aahhh Haaa! I'll definitely look into that... isn't Dr. Laura? I used to come home from third grade and make my mother cry with laughter by making fun of her radio show.." He also informed me of the following: I do not, can not, and will never understand men, due to the facts of my family (no brothers), my job (mostly concerned with women) and my interests. He then proceeded to explain how his wife also didn't understand men, and that "thirty years later, she never will..." I just tried to back away from the crazy.
The other day, I talked about breaking the Eighth Commandment of Wifedom. I got to thinking about that, and wondered to myself, So...where are the rest of the Commandments? What are they? How many of them are there? Here's a rough draft of them, by me:
- Thou shalt not do everything for thine husband, thereby making him into a large child and you into his mother, and causing much frustration all around.
- Thou shalt not cease caring about thine general appearance, be it removing hair from anywhere it ought not be, getting some excercise or having a facial. However the reason thou shalt care about these things shall be because thou hast respect for oneself and desireth not to look like a bag lady.
- Thou shalt not hint at what one would like done around the house, bedroom or other areas of life. Thou shalt ask directly, more than once if need be.
- Thou shall save much of thine complaints about thine husband for the ear of a single, trusted friend, and not thy parents, thy in-laws, the internet (overmuch) or, heaven forbid, thy husband.
- Thou shall have other interests, seperate friends, and activities, and bank accounts (at least savings) and thine own line of credit. Furthermore, thou shalt encourage thy husband to pursue his own interests, friends and activities, and thou shalt not complain when he wishes to go camping with his friends for a week. That way, the both of ye shall savor those activities which ye do together, and additionally he will not be able to complain when you want to go somewhere for a weekend with your girlfriends.
- Thou shalt make the first move, more than once per annum. Thou shalt also make moves two through ...whatever if need be.
- Thou shalt try to conquer thine own personal issues with fat, clutter, children, skinny-legged pants, substance abuse (cheeses, alcohol, fabric), and too many projects. However, failure at any of these maketh not a bad wife, so do not berate thine self overmuch.
- Thou shalt not disturb the watching of a sporting television program, on penalty of much painful whinging, yea verily, that it may go well with ye and ye shall not have to hear complaining all night about how you do not taketh care of thine husband. Even tho' you haveth the DVR and he doth not misseth a second, you have broken this, the Eighth Commandment of Wifedom, and are therefore doomed to watch ESPN or SportCenter forever and ever, amen.
- Thou shalt not crush his tender spirit by laughing overly loud when thine husband sings aloud, dances funny, or does strange impersonations. No, but thou shalt instead either applaud or join in. Additionally, thou shall help him to feel good about himself by any means neccessary, be it by coloring his hair, making him take a walk, annointing him with cologne or telling him how adorable he looketh in those clothes.
- Moderation in moderation: Screaming into pillows is perfectly acceptable under the right circumstances, as is retail therapy, three-martini happy hours, and sudden changes in hair style. Under the right circumstances, of course. Taking a walk, of course, would have been wiser.