Thursday, December 15, 2005

Whatever you do, DON'T INHALE

Duuuuuude.... We are so having odor Issues in our house this week. We may need to start calling it Casa de Stank if things don't improve shortly. No, there have not been any (unusual) erm...emissions of the human sort, thanks for asking - although Someone who is Not Me did just consume a bowl o' chile for dinner, so I may need to revise that statement later on. However, I don't think I need to stoop to fart jokes just yet... I'm saving my really third-grade material for later on. (Pooot!)

It started at about three in the morning, Monday. We were all sleeping away in a warm heap of limbs, flannel sheets, fur and dreams. Bliss in a bundle of blankets, really. I think I was dreaming about something mixed up with a wedding and my mom, and all the sudden everyone was saying, "Ooooohh.. what is that HORRIBLE smell? Ack! Gaaag!". At which point I woke up with a start. I turned over and realized that the scent that was burning my nostrils so as to render my olefactory nerves temporarily insane... was skunk. Not just a skunk, but obviously THE skunk. That's right, people, Pepe LePew came to my house, and he was seriously pissed off after his dinner. Obviously Lindburger coated garlic naan, Indian chile beans with extra onions and

  • durian
  • for dessert upset his tummy. Time to let it all out at the Hamptons!

    Since we sleep with our windows shut because it is COLD, but keep our bed right underneath said windows in the event that I become to hot (see entry regarding Strange Dreams). Considering this fact, and the fact that there were no open windows ANYWHERE IN OUR HOUSE... I don't have any explanation for how intensely rank it smelled. Other than the fact that the skunk must have scaled the fence, walked over to where our window is, and pointed his Stinkmaker right. at. our. heads. He let loose the foulest of foul stenches ever in the history of Stench. Skunks passing within five miles of our bedroom looked at each other and said, "He's HEEEERE! Our leader!" In this illustration, we are the Football team.

    Two days later, was still coming across weird "patches" of nasty, just hanging in the air, as though the very walls were permeated with disgusting-ness. We'd just walk into the (insert room here) and scream, "OHhhhh BMY GAHHHHD... Itd sdtill smbells like thadt skunk is id here! Eeewwww! Quick! Combe id here and fart, so it smbells BETTER!"

    Since we'd recovered today, I got the brilliant idea of sealing and laquering the little table and stool I painted a few weeks back. Because...icky dry feeling when I touch them, and the continual jumping on/off them will shortly make it appear they were mauled by a siberian tiger. Being the nice guy he is, my wonderful husband bought me a can of spray-on sealer. Which I used completely - and no sealy, shiny, laquery look resulted. Sad, but I figured, eh, I'll get some brush-on stuff later, and left them outside to dry in the sun and gentle breezes. A few hours later, I was back at it, and used ANOTHER can of aerosol-propelled shellac/lacquer... no go. I left them out for another hour, and than had to bring them inside.

    Which means...more stink wafting gently throughout the Casa de Stench, plus we are all hiiiiiiiiiiiigh now.

    Pass the brownies, please.


    Chiada said...

    Erik told me he SO loved your tables - that you are a genius! (duh, already know that) - and that you should do more tables like that & sell them. People would buy them up like that! (snap) Easy for you to paint/draw pictures since you are, of course, so tahhhh-lented. Make each one "unique" and "original" so no two are alike, and voila! Instant success. I bet there are a ton of peeps in SB/Montecito who would go crazy for them. Seriously, go for it. Just do like 3 to start with so you aren't out too much moola. Then present them to a couple of stores & see how they do. You should!

    Meepers said...

    LOL! (blushes deep shade of red) I'd like to - we'll see, I was just saying to S that I totally need to pick up some "free-ninety-nine"/yard sale stuff to paint for just that reason. On the "List" are: The Birth of Venus and another one of the old dress ads that just says "Couture" on top in really neat letters - its just cream/black so it should be nice and hard. Yeah!