Ok, let's try that thing where MY INTERNET SERVICE VIA COX BLOODY CABLE does not "mysteriously" "go out" because I am in "Sector Fifteen" for SIX FLIPPIN' DAYS, shall we? Yes, I think that would be lovely. Deeeep cleansing breath, deeee....oh fuggetaboutit, let recap the last week or so, shall I?
1) Return from trip, happy happy delirously happy that I do not have to put on a sweater, gloves, a hat, a scarf, boots (ugggg! BOOTS...boots without heels or any discernable 'style" at all, unless "not tripping and breaking your leg...probably" is a 'style' and someone's forgotten to tell me) a COAT and other such items just to walk OUTSIDE and not DIE via freezing solid. Proceed to go round with windows open at all times, thus arrive at all destinations looking like a very frightened sheep dog. Charmed, I'm sure.
2) Check approximately 75,453 emails. 75,427 are either offers to re-finance my house (thanks, no) sell me Viagra (again, thanks, no) or give me the Secret to Thick, Fast Growing hair (not so much the issue here in the Meepers household). Or, you know, visit someone named Karleee on her webcam. Well that I might... no, just kidding. Return six client emails, write thank-yous to family.
3) Photo-edit 300 + pictures, of which about 100 are of animals, most of which are NOT EVEN MY FAMILY'S pets. Approximately 75 of them are of Kitty (see last entry) How could I resist?
4) Make only the feeblest of attempts to clean/unpack house, which was more or less a tip when I left. Somehow, the situation has not improved. Marvel at new-found Law of Thermo-Dynamics which is "Anything in the H household left unattended with go forth and multiply at levels that would make rabbits jealous. And it will Make a Mess." Actually, this might not be Thermo-Dynamics so much as the Black Hole Theory.
No, it was no one we knew personally, but our mail has not been the same since, and our Lovely mail-lady and lovely Post-Man (see entry: Five Degrees of Seperation) both knew all or almost all of those who were murdered. In this one instance, I have to say, I'm actually relieved that the shooter shot herself. Not that justice could ever be done, but... it does help to know she's not OUT THERE somewhere, lurking.
6) Become neighborhood hag who yells at cars who pass by our once-quiet corner going at least 45 miles per hour, due to horrid "Detour" that makes my front door the new 101 freeway. Consider purchasing orange vest and gloves, sign and directing traffic as new hobby.
7) Make, edit, re-edit, sync with music, and write witty (well, maybe) "credits" for DVD for family. Hope they get "witty" remarks and faux-reviews on the cover. Mail to them with picture CD. Also use Makita (read: Electric saw. A POWER TOOL) on ugly, nasty "arch" in yard. Spend a couple of sweaty, grimy afternoons pruning trees/rosebushes, demolishing, digging out 80 pound concrete post-holders, raking, etc. Go to hardware store and purchase Poison for enemy weeds, protective gear so that my hoo-haa has a possibility of working in future (not for actual hoo-haa) paint and sandpaper (two grits) for bathroom, rip out nasty shower door, scrub all. Congratulate self.
7b) In Self-Congratulatory mood, as much has been Accomplished this week. Have celebratory margaritas with friends. Rinse, repeat. Doritos. Than come home and find much-beloved tenant about to leave after a blissful year. V. V. sad, but invited to go and say goodbye (read: drink wine) for One last (first) time, so can hardly Say No. Do not Say No, but instead grab husband, glasses, bottle, boom box and have impromtu Celebration 2.5 of the evening. (Husband has been out with own friends, possibly sake, can't be sure)
7c) Totally lose the will to Live for about ten hours. Recover, clean bathroom in preparation for sanding/painting. Do not actually sand or paint, but intend to.
8) Discover (last Wednesday) that Internet/Link to Outside World and all news (did not hear about sinking of that barge in the Gulf, etc) is totally down. Call Cox (good name!) Cable. Sit on hold for 27 hours. Get automated "tech" Attempt to familiarize self with "Co-Axial cable" (whaaa?) etc, to no avail. Husband calls, repeat, repeat, repeat. Days later, I finally got through to a person and "Duwayne" said that the "earliest they can get a tech out would be Thursday." Splutter and spit with rage, before
gently admonishing Duwayne through clenched teeth* that I NEED this to happen, because we both WORK here at home (contrary to this weeks' tale) and I have clients who will cause me to have to introduce him to co-axial cable in ways that he never intended... Suddenly my service call got upgraded to Monday. And the little children sang and danced with glee.
*One of which (clenched teeth) had to have an emergency pulp-ectomy earlier in the week. ($300 bucks down the tube.) I'm told that if they do all the work that NEEDS doing, it will be $3500 USD for a root canal, build-up and two crowns. ANOTHER 3500, since I (we) spent that much on another tooth and a half last year. Last year as in, just ended a couple of months ago, not last January. Folks, I'm going to Mexico. Se habla a good dentist down there? Muchas drugas para mucho el pain? Por favor? Gracias!
9) (Sunday) Awesome neighbors have a BBQ/Fiesta/Superbowl party for themselves and 35 closest family members, invite me over for plate of delicious food, perusal of tiny baby Chihuahua puppies. Amazingly do not die of heartburn or extreme cuteness. Do not watch Superbowl, except when husband pries eyeballs from book (We Were the Mulvaneys, v. good/sad) to make me peruse commercials. Like the one with the streaking sheep and baby Clydesdale, hate Budweiser for using all the cute animals excepting the Geico gecko, who was probably booked, in one ad.
10) (Today) Meeting with wonderful client, who actually let me borrow her shoes because mine broke (stupid shoe). Notice funny, smokey, amber light in the air, unable to locate actual fire in the area. Ignore, watch TV and cuddle neglected (ha!) cat until I realize that there is a person Peeking In My Window, and I am sitting in a rather undignified position, in a skirt. Have now possibly exposed pants to complete stranger, and must fly off the couch to discover what she wants. Prepare to make donation to charity, when she asks, "Is this the apartment for rent?" Ummmm....no. That's why the sign is on the BACK of the house, where you saw it. Attempt to recover dignity, show studio for rent, only to hear that "Its' tooo smalllll for me and two kiiiiiids." No, it is not to small, actually it is quite spacious and both its bathroom and (walk-in) closet are far larger than mine. You have too many children to attempt to live in a space that is clearly marked, "STUDIO APARTMENT."
11) Randomly discover internet works. Do Rain-dance of Joy with husband. Retreat to office and write most Boring re-cap of one's own week ever. Have lost all readership due to Never Updating, ever, and increasingly banal entries.
Help. Me. Please.